Mild rant warning.
I’m an anarchist. I used to be in a punk collective. I worked on criminal injustice issues. Sadly, all of these things mean that I end up in spaces that are largely dudes. Maybe those things attract more men than women. Or maybe a whole lot of us women have been chased out of those spaces by the stuff you dudes do. I can tell you that one of the reasons I backed off from things this last year is that I just didn’t have it in me to deal with certain types of behavior, behavior that tends to be very gendered.
Why are there always those one or two dudes in every space who will take up half a meeting with long-ass soliloquies? Do they really think that what they have to say is that much more important/intelligent/fascinating than anyone else? Are they trying to prove how great they are? Shutting everyone else down by talking the whole time doesn’t show you are great. It shows you have no consideration for other people.
You know how else dudes shut people down? They talk down to people. How many times, like this weekend in fact, have I seen a woman say some real shit only to have a dude respond to her in the most condescending way? My friend was right and speaking from experience. Some asshat dude responded by demonstrating that he wasn’t listening to a word she said and telling her to read Frantz Fanon.
Which brings me to another way dudes shut things down. Why are so many of you incapable of speaking from experience or to experience? Why do you have to speak in quotes? I am not impressed by your ability to quote paragraphs from Marx or Kropotkin. Are you trying to intimidate people who haven’t read as many dead white guys as you have? Are you trying to demonstrate that you have never had an original thought? Or maybe just that you have so little life experience that you have nothing else to say?
And no, dude, I will not let you turn a discussion about lived experience and human suffering into a pissing match about some pseudo-intellectual point where you think you can outwit me.
And then there is that damned certainty, certainty that so often leads to bullying. In a way it is impressive how dudes who are talking out their ass can do so with such certainty. And then I watch women who know so much more than they do put things out as questions for discussion.
And somehow this certainty born of ignorance and hubris and disrespect wins out. Opening things for discussion allows people to find the holes in an idea, to use our combined experience and knowledge to come up with things that are better than one of us would come up with alone. Certainty just demolishes anything in its path. Certainty leads to antagonism and a debate where one person has to come out the winner – no matter how many flaws they ignore. And then you know what happens? We fuck up.
I’m so tired of bullies. Of certainty. Of a total blindness to the different ways issues affect women. Of women doing all the invisible work. FYI – I’m not your fucking secretary or your maid.
But do you know what the absolute worst thing of all is? The absolute worst of all are the dudes who do all of those things in the name of feminism. Or women’s rights. Or being an ally. Or whatever the fuck they want to call it. Can there possibly be anything more sexist and condescending and egotistical than telling me, a woman, what to think in the name of my oppression? You don’t have my experience and, since we can only be experts on our own experience, you don’t know shit.
I would not have the audacity to walk into the NAACP and tell them their polices are racist. I wouldn’t be so clueless as to take a position on whether or not black people should use the n word. I’ll certainly listen to the discussions about those issues. But my job is to work on myself and my own behavior so as not to contribute to other people’s suffering. It isn’t to think that what I read and hear trumps what they live.
I used to give the benefit of the doubt, thinking people should get some credit for trying. But that isn’t trying. It shouldn’t be that I get treated with more respect by people who don’t even think about these things than by the ones who claim to be allies. You aren’t being allies. You know what you are being? Heroes. You have made it all about you. You have bought into the victim, villain, hero narrative and you can’t break out of wanting to be a fucking hero. I don’t need a hero. Me and my girlfriends can take care of ourselves. Thank you very much.
I know I am painting a lot of people with a broad brush. But if you exhibit any of these behaviors, please stop. We need to be able to work together. Chasing us away isn’t helping.