It’s time for my annual holiday season bitching post. Feel free to skip this if you are not in the mood for a rant.
I get it. Like 76% of people in the United States consider themselves Christian and you all think Christmas is a big f’ing deal. I’ve written before about the violence and discrimination Christians used to make this a 76% Christian nation, so I won’t go on about that here. But I would like to point out a few things:
1. 76% is not 100%. Try not to act shocked when someone tells you that they don’t have plans for “the holidays”, cause they don’t actually celebrate your holidays.
2. To my fellow Jews. We all know that Hanukkah is way, way down on the list of important Jewish holidays. There isn’t near enough suffering involved in Hanukkah to make it a big deal. Yom Kippur, a day of starvation and guilt, is a Jewish holiday. Passover – nights of sitting around a table for several hours while someone occasionally feeds you a bite of some repugnant, symbolic item they claim is food – is a Jewish holiday. I know many parents tried to pump it up to make us kids feel less left out during the month of December, but we don’t really have to keep up that farce do we?
3. It is completely inappropriate that we have a Christian holiday for a national holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take a paid day off from work for anything. I’d celebrate Hitler’s birthday. But you don’t get to claim that it’s secular. Which brings me to…
4. The rule is, if you are in the majority, you don’t get to tell the minority how to feel. I don’t care if you think Christmas is secular or if you insist that it isn’t exclusionary or if you think it is perfectly harmless to have life in December revolve around the births of Jesus and materialism. You don’t get to tell me what to think about that. I assure you that I do not find it secular in the least.
5. Christmas cards are dying. Let them go. I know some of you think they are a quaint way to keep in touch with friends and family once a year. We don’t need them anymore. I’m on Facebook. I know what you ate for dinner, what you thought about the last episode of True Blood, and that you found a black sheep on your farmville. TMI.
6. If on a personal level you insist on killing the trees, so be it. However, the sending of Christmas cards from a business is absurd. The sending of Christmas cards from a business that is supposed to be “green” like mine is super absurd. The sending of Christmas cards from an organization that is supposed to be international and culturally sensitive is just gross. If you tell me, the atheist Jew, that I have to help you send out these Christian, tree killing, pointless cards – you are going to get some attitude. Deal with it.
7. I’m all for parties, even Christmas parties. I’ll be happily attending the snow ball tonight and Santarchy tomorrow. However, to all of you organizations that wonder why you fail miserably at diversity, you might want to rethink your Christmas party policy. Do you think having your biggest deal of the year revolve around a Christian holiday sends the right message to your non-Christian staff? Not all your Muslim employees will find jokes about their getting drunk at the office Jesus party to be hilarious. And for Christ’s sake, stop throwing in vague, obligatory mentions of other holidays. You are making a public display of your Christianness. You don’t get to pretend otherwise.
8. I will not participate in any obligatory gift giving. I do not want any more candles, lotions, picture frames, or t-shirts with pithy sayings. I will not be going into the heart of darkness (the mall) to buy you a candle, lotion, picture frame, or t-shirt. I can; however, be talked into a drunken trip to the mall parking lot to change people’s Jesus fish to Darwin fish.
And with that, I go to eat my Christmas cookies.